Men who behave in these unappealing ways often end up alone and ostracized.
We’ve all encountered him: the self-proclaimed “nice” guy who suddenly reveals himself to be a needy narcissist, jealous jerk, or passive-aggressive, entitled player. Or, if you’re really unfortunate, some combination of all three. So how do you tell if the man you’re dating is destined to grow old and lonely?
“You want to watch for patterns,” says therapist and relationship expert Julie Hanks, Ph.D., owner and director of Wasatch Family Therapy and author of The Burnout Cure. “We all behave in unhealthy or manipulative ways once in a while, but it’s problematic when there are consistent patterns of behavior that don’t feel quite right.”
Here are the behaviors of men who are destined to be lonely and isolated as they grow old:
1. He says mean things in a nice way
“If he says unkind or hurtful things to you couched in a kind voice, or in the name of ‘I’m just being honest,’ that’s still mean,” says Hanks.
“Or, if he makes cutting or belittling comments and then laughs it off by saying ‘I was only joking! Why do you take things so seriously?’ he just may be a jerk in disguise.”
2. He pouts when you’re busy
“You may be flattered that he wants to spend every free moment with you,” says Hanks. “But how does he respond when you aren’t available?
A great guy will be able to express disappointment and that he’ll miss you. A jerk in disguise will pout and give you a cold shoulder or a guilt trip for choosing someone else over him.”
When a man guilt-trips you for choosing someone else over him, it’s often a psychological tactic rooted in a desire to control your actions by manipulating your emotions. This usually stems from insecurity, rejection, or a sense of entitlement. It makes you feel responsible for their pain and potentially causes you to reconsider your decision.
A 2014 study recommends communicating that you respect your choices and won’t be manipulated by guilt tactics. Acknowledge their feelings while maintaining your decision, stating that you understand their disappointment but cannot change your selection.
3. He defers to you on all decisions
This might seem super thoughtful at first, but Hanks says it can actually be a big red flag. “If he always wants you to decide things – where to go, what to do – that is a warning sign,” she says. “
Healthy people are able to both express their own wants and also consider the input of their date or girlfriend. If a guy agrees with everything you think, or say, or do, he’s either not being genuine or doesn’t have a good sense of who he is – and may look to you to prop him up or inflate his self-worth.”
Many married men feed into this idea by joking about being kept “on a short leash” or “happy wife, happy life.” This is not only a distorted and unfair characterization of men and women but a kind of rigid relationship role-playing whose paradigm was supposed to have gone out of style back in the 60s. Good relationships are about equality.
They involve give and take, strength and vulnerability, independence and closeness. However, a study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships concluded that men and women sacrifice a lot when they give up too much of themselves for the sake of the relationship.
4. He talks trash about his exes
This is kind of similar to that advice about never dating a cheater. “If he’s really nice to you, but trash talks all of his past girlfriends and blames them for their breakup, he’ll probably talk poorly about you and blame you, too, if things don’t work out,” says Hanks.
There are two sides to every story, and someone who paints themselves as the victim in every break-up they’ve ever had is likely not telling the whole truth.
5. He keeps tabs on you at all times
Communicating via little love notes and occasional check-ins when you’re apart can be an important part of a healthy relationship. But if he’s constantly keeping tabs on you, “That could be a sign of jealousy and insecurity – even if he couches it in the name of love,” Hanks says.
This often stems from a desire for control, insecurity, or lingering feelings, potentially indicating a need to monitor your actions and whereabouts. This can be a sign of possessiveness and could be linked to underlying issues like low self-esteem or a fear of abandonment.
A 2016 study explained that a partner might try to maintain a sense of power or keep you within their sphere of influence, even if the relationship is not actively pursued.
6. He has strained relationships with other people in his life
If he treats other women in his life poorly or speaks about them disrespectfully, that’s a clear indicator that there’s likely a jerk lurking under that nice exterior.
“If he has a pattern of strained, negative, or disconnected relationships with other women, but claims to adore you, proceed with caution,” says Hanks.
7. He shows no other emotions about excessive niceness
No one feels nice all the time. Failure to express other emotions can be a major warning sign.
“Excessive niceness can be a cover for a lack of a secure sense of self and emotional neediness,” Hanks says. “Healthy adults can express a full range of emotion – happy, mad, sad, scared, surprise, shame – and don’t need to hide behind a facade of niceness.”
Men not showing emotions and ending up alone often stems from societal expectations of masculinity. A 2018 study concluded that this can lead to the suppression of feelings, creating a barrier to emotional intimacy and ultimately hindering healthy relationships, leaving them isolated and lonely. This phenomenon is sometimes referred to as normative male alexithymia.
Ultimately, it’s important to learn to trust your gut. If your instincts are telling you that something about him feels off, don’t disregard that feeling.
